I cried in the bus to Madrid. Jonathan was in the seats behind me. I couldn't bare to cry in front of him. We both had had a hard day and now was no time to ask to be comforted. I cried because I was scared. The day had been harder than we had planned. We were headed to where we wanted but so far things weren't going as seamless as we wanted.
        I cried because I had forgotten why the hell I had chosen this to begin with. I  couldn't answer that question within myself. Now we were headed to Madrid for my tourist US visa for our RETURN trip because we were going to bike around the Adriatic sea? What had made me think I could this? When did I conceive of this and why? Why had I dragged my love into this pipe dream of mine. I felt disheartened, scared and guilty I was dragging someone I loved with me into this attempt. Why had I done this to him? He had no idea about me. I had no idea about myself. I felt drained and we hadn't even arrived to Madrid. I let the train faux pa to get the best of my mental strength.  I sighed and shook it off as the bus lights came on and we had to get into transportation mode again. The goal now was to get to the hostel.
        We looked up the directions a good 45 min before. Google Maps in a 3G speed is a flighty mistress. It must be given the time to arrive and tell you what to do. Thank you T-Mobile for some semblance of internet access in Jonathan's Phone. E, 3G I'll take it.  We had a few steps according to the directions. Two metro line changes and a few meters to walk. Easy. I should really stop telling myself that.
        We were able to take our first metro line from the bus station. It is now a blurry memory of questionable elevators, electric escalators and good old stairs. Up, left, follow the signs. Read the signs three times. The last thing we need at 10pm at night in Madrid is to get lost.
         Of course this is all hauling Monster and Beast. Stairs, why wouldn't there be stairs. Stairs are easy. Stairs with Monster and Beast were a challenge. All I kept thinking was lift with your legs, tighten your core. The last last thing we need is to get hurt right now. I needed to buck up and do heavy lifting too. We were a team, not a princess to be protected from lifting my own Monster.
        Finally we made it to the Hostel. The two story no elevator narrow staircase hostel. One last push. We made it.
        Finally Wi Fi so I could report back home we were safe. Chatting with my best friend I shared how lost I felt in that bus ride. How it was just the beginning and I already felt defeated. She reminded me about the drive I once had to make this. That this adventure had a goal once upon a time. That this adventure was there to build something, to create, to reconnect with aspects of myself I have lost a long the way. That this adventure is here as a gift from myself to myself to explore my creativity once more. To grow and learn and fall and start over. She didn't quite said those things but those are the things I needed to remind myself about.
        Having reconnected with my purpose and a celebratory cold beer in hand I finally exhaled. I had a 7:35 appointment at the US Embassy and things could take a turn for the worst.